i keep having the most vivid dreams.

the death of my favorite family member is taking its toll on me in the most inappropriate/untimely/upsetting ways. i keep taking things out on you and its because you are the only one there for me 24/7 and i have never dealt with the death of a loved one before.

i was at work yesterday, set my book down and just started to bawl my eyes out uncontrollably, and i continued to do so for at least the next hour. i cried for the realization that my grandma is actually gone, i cried for dwelling on the past and fearing infidelity when i know you love me and im just being crazy, i cried for myself and feeling so mundane recently. i felt much better afterwards, but i feel like theres too much pounding inside my head and i just dont know how to contain it.

i need to go back to seeing a therapist. i need a neutral party to help me organize myself and see things for what they are and not what my stupid mind imagines. my anxiety hasnt been as bad as it had before, but my depression has been more relevant recently, with good reason i think but still, i dont want it around.

my birthday is saturday and it will be the first that i dont spend with my grandma. ill miss her at dinner and ill miss her strong hug and kiss, she could hug me so hard my face would hurt. ill miss getting scratch off tickets in my birthday card from her. ill miss her handwriting on the envelope that simply said “precious”.

i need to get away, i need a break from my own life. i want to travel some where soon, once im out of school for the summer and have a little more money in the bank. im hoping alex will come with me, that would make it twice the fun. i dont care where i go, drive or fly, just as long as its out of arms reach of sarasota.

my dream escape is to go to chicago for a week during lollapalooza and see my fannie and see some amazing music. so fingers crossed i can make enough money to buy a ticket.

i think i need to start typing on my typewriter again and actually go through with making a zine, it would help me alot i think.

i hate you sometimes.
im on a stupid downward spiral.

check it out :]

http://www.blurb.com/books/659726

With these i focus on how i use to view myself and how i do now. 5 years ago i would never of put myself in these positions, they make me look too fat or unappealing. But i have grown and become completely comfortable with my body. but it was a growing process. i am who i am :]

and this heart shaped pizza proves it <3

stuffmeinyourbones.tumblr.com

i use to have an issue with trust where i would just trust everyone i met.
but now you have turned the tables. i do not trust you. i did and you broke it.
now you have a long long time to go before you will ever regain my trust.
i havent told you this, and i dont know if i will. it doesnt matter.
sometimes i think our relationship isnt real.


i could punch a hole through a wall about now.

im on pills to not make me crazy/depressed/have anxiety.
and recently i have all of the above.

"Michelle Fisher:

Congratulations from CMYK Magazine.

Your photography work was selected for publication in CMYK Magazine #43 issue due to hit newsstands in March 2009."


fuck yes.

GRUMPY


make it better.

her- its a tooth brush, not a wedding ring.
him- its similar, its like buying a house together.
her- no, its just so you wont kill me with bad breath.


i love amanda p.